Resistance Essay by John Alexander
Dictator Donald Trump / Portrait by Allen Forrest
Resistance Essay
by John Alexander
“MAKING AMERICA GREAT, AGAIN – ILLEGALS IN OUR MIDST”
“NEW NEWS BEFORE IT BECOMES REAL NEWS!”
(Note – this correspondent has been outfitted with a “back-channel nano-receiver ” – linked exclusively to the President’s brain – so as to be able to receive, record and communicate the President’s “thought-intentions”- long before they are articulated.)
I have told you – I have promised you – right from the beginning, that I will build a wall and that I will track down every illegal in this wonderful country! But, lately, I’ve come to realize that the illegals are craftier and slicker than I gave them credit for.
On one hand, yes, yes – I see them – the illegals – I see them everywhere! When my plane lands at an airport, they’re there; when I get to the hotel, the restaurant – they’re there! They come from all over the world – it’s a sad and terrible thing! So hard to keep track of them! But, they’re not just sneaking across the border, running through deserts, getting jobs off the books – like drywall, concrete and lawn care – and then hiding as much as possible so that they won’t get caught and deported. No, no – there’s more than that going on!
You see, the worse part about them is that they have skills that are beyond belief and almost comprehension! I’ve come to discover that – they can change! Oh, trust me – trust me- they have the ability- somehow- to shape-shift from living in three dimensions to living in two; from handing you a coffee to motionlessly staring at you. You see, one night – very, very late – too late for Melania or Barron to be up, I snuck out of the White House and found a place where these illegals hide and rest and sleep. That place is the supermarket! I know it sounds crazy, but, they’re there – all over the place – and some of them have even managed to become immortal! Almost like becoming President for life – but better!
Here are some of the more notable ones:
– King Arthur is there – probably on an expired visa;
– Mister Clean – looks like an escaped convict;
– Fred Flintstone – an undesirable Neanderthal, no doubt;
– Earl Grey- likely got disinherited;
– Smirnoff – probably a buddy of Putin;
– Minute Maid – only if I’m in a hurry;
– Saint Pauli Girl – just send her to my room;
– Ortega- even a cartel in Aisle 13-B;
– Barbie – damn, I’d sure like to shape-shift onto her shelf;
– Panama Jack – who is in charge of the DEA?
– Rubber Maid – at least she comes prepared;
– The Brawny Man – I’m sure he voted for me. What’s he doing there?
– Prince Omar – what ISIS? Al-Qaeda?
– Little Debbie – boy, I sure like the sound of that!
And do you know what? Despite the fact that some of them sound American – they’re all illegals! Otherwise, if they were legit, why would they be hiding? Well, let me tell you, they’re hiding because they’re all wanted for some reason! Yes, judging by the look in their eyes, they know that I know that they’re illegals and up to no good.
Maybe even for far worse! It could be fraud, theft, murder, smuggling, terror – even jihad! And, I can tell you from personal experience – some of them have been hiding out ever since I was a kid!
Oh, you think I’m joking? Okay, then, let me run some more names by you and you tell me if you think that any of them could produce a birth certificate that says they were born in the United States of America! Ready?
All right – Betty Crocker, Duncan Hines, Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben, the Farina Boy, Cap ‘N Crunch, Hungry Jack – but, it’s not just the average sort of folks that are hiding! Oh, no, no, no- professional people, too! People like Doctor Scholls, Doctor Pepper, Doctor Brown – Evil Doctor Porkchop – I’ll bet all of them are probably alimony and child support deadbeats!
And you know those fancy restaurants that I go to around New York- you know, the kind, the one’s that most Americans could never afford? Well, those chefs, people like Chef Boyardee, Artie Bucco – those people make a lot of money, and I’m guessing a ton of it is under the table and once they leave the restaurant, they go into hiding so they can’t be found! It’s like being off-shore, right here on-shore!
Actually, I have discovered that some of them have hidden out for so long that they only have one name! Sylvia, Maybelline, Mustafa, Enrico, Mrs. T., Bubba – it’s just incredible! But, that’s just the tip of the iceberg! There are hundreds and hundreds more – and not only do they not belong, I guarantee you they’re getting a free ride at the expense of the American taxpayer! I know that not a one of them has filed a 1040 – ever!
Ever! I’m telling you- because I’ve checked with the IRS! They’re ripping off the government! And, here’s the real kicker, when you walk down the aisle in the supermarket, and you pass one of them, they’re laughing at you!
No one in this country deserves to be laughed at by anyone! And, I’m going to put an end to it! I will deport all of them and make America great, again!